I Let Go

Have you ever let go of someone that seemed to be a part of your future? did you ever look back? do you regret any of it?

My high school best friend of almost 12 years texted me and I read the message but never replied. I might have read it at least three times and I had too many questions in my head, so I thought to articulate them here.
I remember the last actual conversation we had, I clearly told him that it was the end of our friendship and that moving forward, he’d be nothing but a stranger in my life. I didn’t know how I was going to do that but its been almost 7 years since we had that conversation.

I don’t even remember the exact details of everything that happened; when I think about it, I try to remember how it could have been such a big deal at the time, all I remember is how heartbroken I was and how determined I was to get out of that space regardless of how much it’d hurt me. Everyone might have thought that it’d be impossible, that we’d get back to being friends after weeks or months, but that day was the end, and when I saw the message he sent, I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. It felt like all the memories we shared was just my imagination, and when I try to think back at the times we shared, it feels bland, no emotion, no anger, no hate, no joy, just pictures with no stories, just emptiness.

When I thought about my future, I always saw him in it. My best friend, our families, our plans, our lives, everything we were going to build. It was one of the best friendhsips I had as a child. 8 years ago, I was sure that he knew me and we’d always have each other’s back; right now? he’s like the random passenger on a bus and its insane. I thought about the possibilities of him being depressed and maybe it’d push me to respond to his message, to be sure he’s fine, but even harbouring such thoughts, I felt nothing and I left the messages the way the same. So, it makes sense: the opposite of love isn’t hate, its indifference.

To hate is to show that there’s some level of care, albeit unattended to. To be indifferent is worse, Indifference is colder and more final. Was I being cruel? I don’t know. I don’t remember how we got here, but I’m as sure as I was back then that I wasn’t going back to that friendship.

Why is this here?

I don’t know either, but maybe it could be a pointer to many things.
When people trust you, do the best you can to hold it with care. So many forms of relationship exist without trust, if for whatever reason you get to the point of trust with anyone, please hold it with care. Relationships can exist without love but not without trust.

It could also be a pointer to the obvious fact that nothing is permanent. pain or love.

With pain, it’d seem unending, like you’re out of breath, like you’re drowning, like you’d be consumed unendlessly, but untrue. Pain demands that it be felt, afterwards, it slowly fades away, someday you’d think about it and feel nothing, or maybe just a little pang but never strong enough to consume you.
With Love, it demands to be lived, it means to live daily and cherish whatever you have, with care, with diligence, with all your heart, so when or if you ever lose it, you truly loved and lived.

I have asked myself if this is a case of unforgiveness, but then I know that it’s not because I’ve made peace with the past. I let go of the situation, the friendship and there’s nothing there for me anymore. I do hope that he’s good, but I have no intention to open doors that should be shut.

For me, I made me recognise that when people shut doors at me, I need to stop staying behind those shut doors because they’re no longer at the other end of it and I’d be wasting my years being no where. It means that I need to let go of regret especially after I have repented and apologised. It means that I need to let go of the unnecessary desire to be accepted in spaces that no longer serve any purpose no matter how much I miss it. They deserve their peace, as much as I do.
How did I let go of someone that should’ve been a part of my future? I simply did.

With Love
Viva💕